In any case, I am and feel as I ever will be, a jumbled mess of emotion. I am trying to make sense of it all by reading things by Nelson Mandela and Ghandi. Hoping and praying that somewhere in their divine wisdom I will find a saving grace. Something, anything to save me from myself. I wish I could just reach deep into my mind and find out what it is I really want. I have a (rather soul crushing) idea of what it is, and I am not willing to face it. I need to figure it out soon though, before I hurt the ones I care about the most in the process. I am not sure why this is, but it seems whenever I am trying to find what makes me happy I end up hurting everyone I care about.
Have you ever had a moment when you realize you made a huge mistake in the past? I had a moment similar to this last night. I realized I did something out of pure selfishness and stupidity. And now more than ever I regret it. I can't remember why I did it either, which is even more concerning. I have to force myself not to think of how different my life would be if I had stepped down from my pedestal and had some patience all those years ago...
I digress, I am not sure I will ever truly know myself. Or if anyone does. I think the idea is to find someone who can help you find yourself a little more everyday.
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Ghandi
Put fingers on the keys.... Ok. Now go.
15 years ago
1 comment:
Oh jesus. Where do I begin? The philosiphical side began to emerge slowly after your return from Kent State. It has developed into a rather deep quest for answers. That no one has. I too, have began digging around for them. It sucks. Something makes sense, then you second guess it. This is why we have each other. For all the "OMG it all makes sense!" moments, and all the "What the Fuck! I was wrong again!" moments. One of these days we are going to get it right. Watch and see. Love you!
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