When did I get so philosphical?

In any case, I am and feel as I ever will be, a jumbled mess of emotion. I am trying to make sense of it all by reading things by Nelson Mandela and Ghandi. Hoping and praying that somewhere in their divine wisdom I will find a saving grace. Something, anything to save me from myself. I wish I could just reach deep into my mind and find out what it is I really want. I have a (rather soul crushing) idea of what it is, and I am not willing to face it. I need to figure it out soon though, before I hurt the ones I care about the most in the process. I am not sure why this is, but it seems whenever I am trying to find what makes me happy I end up hurting everyone I care about.

Have you ever had a moment when you realize you made a huge mistake in the past? I had a moment similar to this last night. I realized I did something out of pure selfishness and stupidity. And now more than ever I regret it. I can't remember why I did it either, which is even more concerning. I have to force myself not to think of how different my life would be if I had stepped down from my pedestal and had some patience all those years ago...

I digress, I am not sure I will ever truly know myself. Or if anyone does. I think the idea is to find someone who can help you find yourself a little more everyday.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Ghandi

The Places I'd Like to See

I have offially made my "Bucket List", if you will...

It has 33 places (or had since I can't currently find my beloved list). Mostly, places that are extremely beautiful. Versailles being a main one. Why Versailles you may ask? I love Marie Antoinette! I'm not sure what is so interesting about her, but I have read about 20 biographies (I get bored quite often at work). Ever since I watched the movie, I've been a little obsessed. It's ranking right up there with my weird Judaism obsession.

OH Let me just tell you about the strangest/most embarassing/scariest conversation I had with my mother the other day. We were discusing a certain someone and their significant other being Jewish.

Suz: "All I wanna know is if they celebrate Christmas"
Me: "Well, considering they don't believe Christ was the son of God, I'm gonna go with no."
Suz: "What the hell, don't they read the New Testament?"
Me: "No, actually they don't"
Suz: "So, can we still give presents?"
Me: "Well they celebrate Hannukah. They will accept presents though. You're confusing Judaism with Jehova's Witness"
Suz: "WTF is Hannukah? What about Easter?"
Me: "Do we need to revisit the idea of not believing Christ is the son of God?"
Suz: "Whatever, I don't understand maybe I should take a class"

Because the concept of just listening to her daughter is completely ungraspable and she must take higher education (after almost 40 year haitus). Crazy woman...

Anyways, back to my bucket list. I find it extremely sad and rather pathetic that I am going on 22 (scary thought, I like being 21) and I have yet to leave the country. I mean, I love America (That is so unAmerican!), but it's rather flat and bland where I come from. That's why I can't wait to teach Spanish is some obscure country. Not that anwhere that speaks Spanish and that is actually safe is all that obscure, but hey it's different than here.

I have a strange urge to look at beautiful things lately.. I'm not sure where it's stemming from but I'm sure I will be analyzing the shit of out it in the coming weeks so I'll give you an update. Although, I digress, my analytical skills are taking a serious hit with the lack of mental stimulus in my system. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have quit!