Holiday Spirit

Christmas is upon us and it's putting me in a weird, sexy super comfortable mood. I can feel myself changing for the better and I'm loving it. That's all for now.

Love you all

Hey y'all.

That's right, I say y'all now. I've got a fucked up southern/yankee accent & I'm lovin it.

1. I'm dating a girl now. It's been very thrilling. I'm crazy about her and she's so good to me. I've never been with someone who makes me feel so good about myself. She makes me laugh and we play around like were kids sometimes, which is good for the soul. I haven't told a lot of people outside of South Carolina. I told my brother, he says I'm literally losing my mind. Which is a very good point. But where is the fun in life if your always trying to keep your sanity? Anyways, I can totally be myself with her & she still likes me! It's crazy, I know.

2. I'm a calm person now. I'm the cool headed member of my family. I have to be, or we'd all be going nuts. Well, we're all nuts anyways but that's besides the point. The best thing I've learned lately is that every situation had more than 1 perspective, & I should always consider the idea that my perspective may be a little off.

3. I miss Ohio. I'm coming home from the 23rd to the 26th. Not long, but that's all I could get off work. I miss Columbus the most. Gah, I love that city. All of my friends there, my favorite restaurants & most of all, my apartment. I could seriously cry thinking about how much I miss that apartment. If I ever move back to Columbus (let's pray wherever I move after here is warmer) I want that exact apartment back.

4. It's cold as fuck here. I am NOT impressed. I was told it would be warm here & it's fucking freezing my ass off everyday!! Not happy.

5. I miss my Andie. I need to hear see her smile. I need to hear her laugh. I need to sit on her back porch, chain smoke & complain about life. Too bad she doesn't even live in that apartment anymore. Damn.

6. I've never been more thankful for my friend Dan. Hey man, I miss you! Call me every once in a while would you?

Love you,
Samantha

I'm alive, I swear.

South Carolina has found a way to occupy me so much that I am never even near a computer. But I'm having a bad day today so I need to vent. So here I am venting to a computer screen.

I started a new job on Monday. I was late because of a car accident on the highway (out of my control, ya know?). Well today I was throwing up all day and I asked them if me going home would get me fired. They said "no put your health first". Then they call me and say don't come back tomorrow. So FUCKING pissed. Also pissed because I thought maybe just maybe this situation would finally get me to cry again, NOTHIN. WTF mate?

I have a boyfriend now, but he's been incredibly inconsiderate lately so who knows what's going to happen. We're really good together, and we have a lot of fun. He makes me laugh and I know he cares about me so that's always good.

Other than that, I haven't been doing anything but hanging out of my girl MJ. Dan Cohen, that was for you.

p.s. i miss my friends terribly today.

When did I get so philosphical?

In any case, I am and feel as I ever will be, a jumbled mess of emotion. I am trying to make sense of it all by reading things by Nelson Mandela and Ghandi. Hoping and praying that somewhere in their divine wisdom I will find a saving grace. Something, anything to save me from myself. I wish I could just reach deep into my mind and find out what it is I really want. I have a (rather soul crushing) idea of what it is, and I am not willing to face it. I need to figure it out soon though, before I hurt the ones I care about the most in the process. I am not sure why this is, but it seems whenever I am trying to find what makes me happy I end up hurting everyone I care about.

Have you ever had a moment when you realize you made a huge mistake in the past? I had a moment similar to this last night. I realized I did something out of pure selfishness and stupidity. And now more than ever I regret it. I can't remember why I did it either, which is even more concerning. I have to force myself not to think of how different my life would be if I had stepped down from my pedestal and had some patience all those years ago...

I digress, I am not sure I will ever truly know myself. Or if anyone does. I think the idea is to find someone who can help you find yourself a little more everyday.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Ghandi

The Places I'd Like to See

I have offially made my "Bucket List", if you will...

It has 33 places (or had since I can't currently find my beloved list). Mostly, places that are extremely beautiful. Versailles being a main one. Why Versailles you may ask? I love Marie Antoinette! I'm not sure what is so interesting about her, but I have read about 20 biographies (I get bored quite often at work). Ever since I watched the movie, I've been a little obsessed. It's ranking right up there with my weird Judaism obsession.

OH Let me just tell you about the strangest/most embarassing/scariest conversation I had with my mother the other day. We were discusing a certain someone and their significant other being Jewish.

Suz: "All I wanna know is if they celebrate Christmas"
Me: "Well, considering they don't believe Christ was the son of God, I'm gonna go with no."
Suz: "What the hell, don't they read the New Testament?"
Me: "No, actually they don't"
Suz: "So, can we still give presents?"
Me: "Well they celebrate Hannukah. They will accept presents though. You're confusing Judaism with Jehova's Witness"
Suz: "WTF is Hannukah? What about Easter?"
Me: "Do we need to revisit the idea of not believing Christ is the son of God?"
Suz: "Whatever, I don't understand maybe I should take a class"

Because the concept of just listening to her daughter is completely ungraspable and she must take higher education (after almost 40 year haitus). Crazy woman...

Anyways, back to my bucket list. I find it extremely sad and rather pathetic that I am going on 22 (scary thought, I like being 21) and I have yet to leave the country. I mean, I love America (That is so unAmerican!), but it's rather flat and bland where I come from. That's why I can't wait to teach Spanish is some obscure country. Not that anwhere that speaks Spanish and that is actually safe is all that obscure, but hey it's different than here.

I have a strange urge to look at beautiful things lately.. I'm not sure where it's stemming from but I'm sure I will be analyzing the shit of out it in the coming weeks so I'll give you an update. Although, I digress, my analytical skills are taking a serious hit with the lack of mental stimulus in my system. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have quit!

Oh how fast life can change.

Update Alert!

I am now officially moved back to Arlington. I am enrolled for classes at the Univ. I am only working part-time at AirChef now. I'm actually really glad this is happening. I should be able to actually get out of debt!! Wo hoo! My best friend just bought her first home. And I'll actually be around to help and watch at it makes its transformation from kinda dumpy to beautiful! (Lets me honest here, Ill be doing the easy work, plus I know Andrea won't trust me with anything too imporant LOL). I'm finally reconnecting with old friends. It feels good to be comfortable somewhere.

Praise God for reading the signs in life.

New Post

I'm blogging because Andrea says I need to. What shall I blog about?? I have nothing really to say. I mean, I have plenty to say, but nothing I want others to hear or anyone would want to hear for that matter. Anyways, people are fuckin' shady! That's all I have to say.

I really love cheese.

So I'm eating cheese.. at AirChef (because where else am I ever?). And I really LOVE cheese. I think it may very well be my favorite food. But that's not really what this blog is about.

Actually, I really don't know what I feel like writing about. My mind is rather blank at the moment, it's kind of nice. Although! I did have self defining moment last night. I used to say I was overly honest, but I decided that's not really the truth at all. I'm just very direct. I ask for what I want and I am not afraid to say how I feel. Atleast the majority of the time. Unless saying how I feel would make me feel vulnerable, that shit I keep locked in a closet 7 floors below the bomb sheltair.

Also, I miss my best friend.

FYI, If you will...

It's 4 am and I'm supposed to be writing about myself... but I'm finding it difficult to put a finger on who I am right now... mostly because it's 4 am and my brain is not fully functioning, but also because I have no clue whatsoever who I am or what I want to be. Also, let me preface this entire blog with the statement that I lack the normal spelling skills of a 21 year old. I'm not sure when this problem developed, but it is a problem and just rest assured that I am aware of it. Dan, this is for you so you better appreciate it bc talking about myself is boring.

1. I enjoy embracing being young and blonde. The most fun is fucking with people. I thoroughly enjoy putting on a show for people just to see how they react. I have learned never to pretend to be something you're not if you plan on ever going back to that place, because my your lies always catch up to you. I mean, these are little white lies just to make an evening interesting. When you pretend to tell someone your life story, and then you see them again and can't remember what story you told them, you look like boo boo the fool.

2. I believe I was meant to have an athletic body, had I just taken better care of myself over the past 3 years. Thankfully I am starting to get back to a much more appropriate weight and physique (sp?). I love to bike ride and ski. Mostly because neither require hand-eye coordination, which I lack to the extreme.

3. I find all religions, languages and cultures interesting. If I could specialize in anything I wanted to, I would go into sociology. But instead I have decided to actually make money with my living and go into hotels. Not just hotels per say, more like rich bitch resorts, etc. I also love Spanish, and am thoroughly annoyed with myself that I lose it more and more everyday. Although, I do have the occasional dream in Spanish so I must not be that bad. Oh, and there's my slight obsession with Judaism. You should read "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok, it changed my whole outlook on life. You can borrow my copy, if you need. I am not practically religious. Ok let's be honest here I'm not religious at all. I do however, love to study Christianity. My minor is Religion with a Biblical Studies emphasis. My favorite college class was "The Old Testament". That and my religion film analysis class, but I stopped going and failed, so scratch that.

4. Speaking of failing, I hate college. Mostly I dispise the idea of paying someone for them to tell me what to do and when to do it. I absolutely HATE being told what to do. If you just add a please and thank you onto anything, I will offer my services gratiously (well, most of the time.)

5. My best friends of all time are Andrea and Brandon. They are the only two people that I have actually stayed close with through thick and thin over a very significant period of time. Andrea lives in Findlay (I know you're reading this, I love you, take a deep breath today and remember that everything will be alright in the end.) Brandon lives in Pheonix (stupid jerk left me here in cold ass Ohio!) I have several new found best friends. Seama is my Columbus girl. Hudson in my guy's guy friend. Tony lives in Vegas and I miss him :(

6. I love animals with a few exceptions. I hate moths. I'm just scared of them really. It's an irrational fear, I know, but we all have them so try not to make fun. I find fish adorable, but all kinds of slimey badness.

7. I tend to be overly honest. It's gets me in trouble sometimes. Actually now that I think about it I'm like the two opposite ends of the spectrum. There are something I will always tell the truth about, if it's inappropriate or hurts someone. There are other things I will always bullshit you about. I can't help it really, I just like to judge people's reactions. I'm overly analytical the majority of the time. It's exhausting really. Also, I'm a terrible secret keeper. Don't tell me anything you really need kept secret. It's not that want others to know things I just get over excited about things sometimes and information just comes flowing from my lips. (BTW I cut my lip off in 1st grade... I'll show the scar if you want)

8. My body is practically falling apart. I have aches and pains like a 90 year old. I blame dancing from such a young age.

9. I used to fall for guys really easily. I have learned to restrain myself, thank God. I really don't like sappy moments. I find them awkward and too mushy. I can enjoy a good chick flick when I'm in the right mood. I will tell everyone that I love them, because you never know when you'll never be able to tell them again. Being in love however is a different story. I think you can love someone you're dating before you're in love with them. ActuallyI think it's essential that you have that. Because that means you've built a friendship instead of just a romantic relationship. If you simply have romance and no base, then what do you do when the romance fades and you're in a relationship that you can't depend on?

10. I'm exhausted and my fingers are starting to cramp up. If you want to know more detailed information, I guess you'll have to ask for it.

Oh also, I love the Yankees.

S.

7 more hours of boredom...

The fact that I don't know what to write about is exactly the kind of bull shit I've been dealing with in my life for about a month now. Let me tell you, it's getting really annoying. The only thing that I really feel passionate about it moving to Ireland. However, I really don't think that's going to solve any of my problems, unfortunately. I also am really craving Las Vegas. It's getting out of hand. If only I wasn't broke... then I could actually do things that make me happy. I have decided however that I need to start volunteering again. I think I'm going to join a church. That way I can volunteer in the nursery (because I'm also craving babies... just for small amts of time bc Lord knows I do NOT want a child) and I could sing in church too. I mean, singing about God and blabitty blue isn't exactly what I'd like to being singing about, but it's better than nothing.

Maybe I should become a flight attendant, I think I would really like that. (P.s. if you're reading this and you work in aviation.. preferrably private... hook a girl up!) AirChef is getting extremely OLD. The people are all fucking idiots the majority of the time, Equal Opportunity MY ASS, plus I'm so sick of staring at these ugly piss yellow walls! NetJets is hiring, but since I sincerely dislike just about everyone that works at that company, I'd prefer not.

Side note: half of the huge ass tree in my mom's backyard just randomly fell down today. For no practicular reason, it wasn't even storming. It's very strange...

HEY ANDREA!! Did you still wanna go to the drive-in next weekend? If so, pencil me in cause I'm totally game. Can we take your truck so we can be comfortable and all... Also, can we not invite anyone else? I'm ready for a girl's night. OK THANKS.

BTW, doesn't the drive-in just sound like so much fun? I'm craving it like string cheese right now. Oh, you should know, I love cheese.. if you put an entire wheel in front of me, I would eat it all, its SO GOOD.

I think I have gotten rid of all of my random thoughts for the evening, and now Andrea can stop bitching that I haven't posted.

Love most of you... S.

Venting

People really confused the shit out of me. Why does it seem like the majority of my friends pick the worst time possible to start being shitty to me? I have about a total of 5 people I can truly count on. That is just ridiculous. (Side note, never trust anyone!).

The moral of this blog is TRUST. I'm going to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. When I meet someone, I'm going to assume I can't trust them until they earn my trust. Then they'll probably lose it so what's the fucking point of it all? Fuck it, I'm moving to Ireland.

For my best girl.

I love you, now read these quotes (Bc I know youre the only one that reads my blog).

"Enjoy life, there's plenty of time to enjoy being dead."

"Every time you wake up and ask yourself, "What good things am I going to do today?", remember that when the sun goes down at sunset, it will take a part of your life with it."
^WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR YOU TODAY?

To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love: that is to live with grace.
^MAYBE YOURE GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS TO TEACH YOU HOW TO BE THE KIND OF WOMAN PEOPLE WILL WRITE ABOUT IN 100 YEARS.

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."
^YOU'VE GOT A LOT GOING FOR YOU, SO JUST EMBRACE IT!

It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.
^I REALLY HAVE NO PHILOSOPHICAL COMMENT FOR THIS, BUT HEY, TREASURE CAN NEVER BE A BAD THING. UNLESS I SUPPOSE YOU'RE LIKE A DEAD BODY HUNTER OR SOMETHING AND ROTTING CORPSES ARE YOUR TREASURE, ANYWAYS...

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.
^^THIS ONE IS THE STORY OF OUR LIVES^^

In the final analysis, the questions of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened.
^I THINK YOU CAN FIGURE THAT ONE OUT OF YOUR OWN HA!

Everything starts with yourself -- with you making up your mind about what you're going to do with your life. I tell kids that it's a cruel world, and that the world will bend them either left or right, and it's up to them to decide which way to bend.
^I KNOW YOU GOT KICKED IN THE ASS, BUT ARE YOU GOING TO KICK BACK OR JUST TAKE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH BENT OVER THE COUCH? (FOR SOME REASON I PICTURED STEVE SIMS WHEN I TYPED THAT.... MUST HAVE BEEN A DRUNKEN STORY TELL TIME)







And if none of these tickle your fancy, well then here you go...

“Life goes on even when we're ready to quit. There is only one person I am living for, and if I can't have him, I want to be a Nun, and I am not even Catholic.”

Continually fighting...

As we all walk through life, we're consistently fighting. It may not always seems hard, which is what people usually classify as the main characteristic of fighting, but really we are. If we're not fighting each other, were fighting to learn and grow and become wealthier (aahh that right there is something beautiful to be fighting for... anyways). The reality of it all is that we need to know ourselves well enough to decide when something is worth fighting for. I get extremely disappointed when I hear someone say "I know you, and this is what you want/need/would do". That's total bullshit. No one else is in my brain (thank goodness!) and no one else can really, thoroughly and completely understand me. The hard part is getting to know yourself. Sometimes the best remedy is spending time alone (a good bubble bath is always a plus), but you can't learn everything about yourself until you look at how other people make you feel, how you act around other people and essentially how others make you react. I truly suggest finding one (more, if you can) person that is constantly challenging your mind and your personality. Someone that always makes you think outside of the normal realm thought. Someone that helps you learn more about yourself. Because once you've delved deep enough into yourself, you can decide if what you're fighting for is worth it. It's doesn't always have to be something you want, either. Fighting for things can be absolutely worth it if it's what's right, or what's meant to be. If you love someone so much you want whatever is best for them and what's best for them isn't necessarily what is best for you, then fight for it. Do it because it's the right thing to do. Do it because eventually someone is going to love you that much, and if you have the right frame of mind, you can let them help you get whatever you want. It is human nature to be kind. And if being kind hurts you, then so be it, because if doing something nice for someone else is what's right, just fucking suck it up and fight for it. I am a true believer that we are all products of our environments. We do as we know. But if you challenge what you know, then you're more likely to fight what situation your environment has put you in. Don't get me wrong, if your situation is making you happy and you feel that your life is worth living, then just fight to keep it that way. You don't always have to be changing to be learning. But for God's sake, always try to be learning. Not just from books or learning what people tell you to learn, but try to learn to better yourself. You can always make yourself better, always. And if you fight for the right things, then you're probably going to benefit from it in the end.

And someday, when you have learned exactly what it is that you want to fight for, I hope that you find someone that wants to be there right by your side while you're dong it, because that is exactly what love is.

Bad Things?

I've been really pondering about things that are supposedly bad or wrong. How can something that feels good be bad? That confused me. Why would God put something on Earth (or whatever higher being there is) if it wasn't supposed to be used by humans?

My new theory is:
If you think about the entire history of the human race (100s of years back) and put in a time frame that is one thing spread out of a long period time. Basically, we're getting smarter and smarter, and making things easier and easier. What if God is just kicking back and watching his children learn more and more. Like he's making everything like this so that we can slowly get smarter and smart and eventually as smart as him. Wouldn't that be crazy? I hope that really is the way it is. Maybe I should write a book about this or something, because to me it's a brilliant idea. I would enjoy that. It's basically what we do when we raise children. They are small and unintelligent. And slowly they learn things, their brains grow, and life gets easier for them. (Minus the diseases, etc, that I believe humans brought on themselves with a lack of preparation and knowledged before we brought new things in our world)

Basically, my life goals are to know a bunch of really random information, have a really strong mind, and a lot of money would be fantastic. I wanna own a BBJ. I want to be able to go wherever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want to. I really want a lot of things...

Wow, blogging really does help me sort out my thoughts. Thank you, Gmail blogger.